An Awkward Collection Of Poems About Death #3

 

The thing about loss
Is that it didn’t hit me
When it happened.
I didn’t feel loss.
Not when I got the call.
Not when I attended our last party together
Everyone wearing black.
Her favourite colour.
Not when there were two bodies
and only one person
that last time I saw her.
Pale.
No, I didn’t feel loss.
I felt everyone else’s loss
And made it my own.
A vacancy inside me
Filled with pain
not of my own doing.
And that made it worse.

It was three days later
I was checking my phone
And I didn’t see her name
Pop up at the crank of dawn.
She wasn’t on my recents
Only recently passed.
The vacancy started to fill up
With the deafening sound of absence.

A week later I was at a book store
I found a book with chapters named
Only in odd numbers.
She was an odd little one.
She would have liked it.
I almost bought the book for her.

Thirty one days later
That movie she wanted to see
Came out.
I went alone.

It’s just one never-ending monotone.
Sometimes you forget she’s gone.
She’s still there, you know.
Writing, eating, breathing.
Am I lying to myself or is time lying to me?
And my ears pick up the monotone again.
A frustration.
Of so much to say
But when you turn the recorder on
You realise you have nothing to record.
Succumb to the monotone.

A year and a half later
I shift to a new city
Unloading the pieces of my life.
I find a stone.
Our hike up the mountain.
When she told me
She’d move mountains for me.
And suddenly I feel selfish.
Because I had not thought of her
For a year.

The vacancy never really gets filled.
The pain just numbs until
You trick yourself into believing
You are as you were.
Whole.
Without loss.
With nothing to find.

I don’t think I’ll ever stop looking.

Time Machine

I wish I had a time machine
To undo my mistakes in the past.
To work harder and be kinder
And make my friendships last.

I wish I had a time machine
To appreciate the people around me.
To give back the love they gave
And tell them my love is free.

I wish I had a time machine
I would spend more time alone,
Making myself a better person
Talking to my loved ones on the phone.

I wish I had a time machine
So I could meet all my deadlines on time.
Because sometimes if you wait too long
It’s too late to pay the fine.

I wish I had a time machine
To undo the mistakes of my counterpart.
Because I was in love with the feeling.
And our mistakes ripped apart.

I wish I had a time machine
To work more passionately every time.
To be more fearless with the spoken word
To create my own design.

But then I look around me
And I see the people that I have.
If everything I’ve done.
Lead up to this one.
I would never give it up even if I can.

Open With Caution

‘Open with caution’, he warns
You may not like what you see
Thousands before you have feared
The real picture of me.

I open the box with hesitation
Mixed with fear and elation
The creek opens an empty cabinet
Is this his biggest temptation?

‘Ahh, I see you have found it
The mirror of my heavy spirit
The box is empty and so am I
This is what you are to commit.’

I look in his eyes and see
The opposite of his reality
He is so full of life and love
He’s a lock and I’m the key.

My hand on his cheek I say
‘I’m willing to take the risk and stay’.

Ethereal

With his hands cold
On my shoulders and hips
With his voice in my mouth
He takes a sip
Of me and he moans
I’m not just a pretty face
No that can be erased
He tells me I’m subjective
Existing only in poetic imagination
Concealed as an ideal
Of volatile origin.
And that’s why he cannot believe I’m real.
Only ethereal.
So he holds me close and devours me whole.

him.

He is gentle.
He is kind.
He left me
Completely blind.

He promised coffee
On rainy Sundays.
But now I drink
My pain away.

He is stubborn.
He is rash.
He took my heart
And didn’t give it back.

He told me, yes
The day would come.
When all I’ll have left
Would be memories and some.

Random moments
When we were happy.
Those gifts he’d promised
But never give me.

He is safety.
He is strong.
He didn’t mean to
Do me such wrong.

Or at least I think so
I need something
To hold on to.
So I can sleep.

He loved me.
He said he did.
So I hold on to that.
Till the memories dim.

He was loving.
He was afraid.
That I’d write this,
Poem one day.

Little Brown Puppy

There’s a little brown puppy
Down on my street
He has scars on his ears
And dust on his feet.

When I walk past him
He scurries away
I catch a glimpse of his eyes
They beg me to stay.

So I come around often,
And he meets me there
I decide to adopt him
He deserves that much care.

But when I take him home
Be bites me and scurries far away
He doesn’t know what love is
He is afraid.

Moira

Crackling of dusk. The last few tendrils of pink and orange streak across the sky. The smell of the night flowers starting to awaken, begin to whisper through the air. Nothing smells as enticing as her neck, though. Fresh grass crunching under his feet, he walks beside her. The breeze gently blows her hair into her face and he tries not to stare too hard. He wonders why she does her hair and makeup, she looks the most beautiful when she’s happy, carefree with no fine lines folding her face into a book of shadows. She’s bright and full of life. This is how he will always remember her. Nothing, definitely not the uncertainties of life can take this moment away from him. Only he can.

After all these years, she still makes him feel risky. Like he is doing something utterly wrong, but he wants to keep doing it anyway. He’d fallen for girls before, but she wasn’t someone he could fall for; she was fluid, entering and leaving anytime she wanted. He could never give his heart to her, she wouldn’t recognise it. Love, like everything else in her life was transient, never lasting. But she didn’t throw away promises of love on purpose, she was just the way she was, ‘Moira – the Undefined’, he would jokingly call her because her name meant something entirely different. And as undefined as she was, every word of love was never permanent, but nor was any utterance of goodbye.

That’s what he loved about her the most. She never said ‘goodbye’. She didn’t believe in the idea.

“Why should you close the whole book when you’re just taking a tea break? Just leave it open on the chapter you’ve left off, and pick it up the next time.” She would ramble at the raw age of twelve. She hadn’t taken into account that in life, time waits for no soul, and if you take a break for too long you can end up skipping more than a few chapters. Sometimes the story evolves so much, that you can’t comprehend what is happening when you return. Sometimes, you skipping the chapters makes all the difference.

They had known each other since middle school. She was bullied in school. Picked on for the gap between her teeth and the thoughts in her head. Both made people uncomfortable, so they pushed her aside. She tried her best not to mind. And then she met him. Or he met her. Whichever way made the most sense, because the truth is that they both collided into each other’s lives, impacting the course of their lives equally and mysteriously, towards the same direction. And so far, they hadn’t drifted much from their aligned paths. Sure, she would go off with different people and come back with different ideas and experiences, but she always came back and that’s what mattered to him. She would always come back. And this was one of those times. She had just come back from a busy year of when, whats and whys he had stopped bothering to ask her. It didn’t matter. What mattered was that she was there with him, in the present. Even if it was for the last time.

“Where should we set up the picnic dinner? Thank the universe I have some blankets, it’s so chilly out here. You’ve got the netted tent, right? I ain’t gonna even think about sitting here if my skin might get chewed up by those tiny nuisances of nature.” She speaks while circling around a small but dry piece of grass where they could have their picnic.

“Yes, Moira I have the net. Your beautiful skin will be well protected from insects. Why do you always have to make simple words so complicated? Insects are so much easier to say and to understand than ‘tiny nuisances of nature,’ jeez.” He replies with a taunting edge to his voice.

She makes a face and starts to set up. He joins her. After what he is about to tell her, will she ever make that face again?

They finish the set up, and after dinner each take out a blanket and sit side by side trying to see the stars through the holes in the netted tent. Moira insisted on buying a 5ft tent made of a netted material for the occasion. She never liked insects. He chuckles to himself as he lists out all the idiosyncrasies she has. The list goes on and on. But he can’t afford to reminisce before she actually goes away. He needs speak, before their time is up yet again. This cannot wait any longer. He turns to her and to his surprise she is starting right at him.

“You have something to say.” She utters, barely audible. She’s lost in thought yet still able to engage in conversation. What a strange little bird.

He replies, “Yes, I do.”

“Well, then say it. I know that starlight-gazing post a picnic dinner is not something we do everyday. Go ahead, don’t be afraid.” She says, with much more concentration this time. In his thirteen years of knowing her, she’s never been fully attentive to any one thing very easily. She must sense the magnitude of what he is about to say. In turn he straightens up, and looks her directly in the eye.

“I met someone. I love her. We’re getting married in the summer.”

He waits. He knows that she vehemently disapproves of anyone getting married at the age of 25, but that’s the least of his concerns. Eyes wide open, he looks at her desperately trying to understand the creature in front of him whom he had not understood for the past thirteen years.

A split second of confusion appears on her face. Then a glimpse of sadness. It happens so quickly he isn’t sure if it actually happened or if it’s the night shadows playing tricks on her face, and in his mind. Her face finally settles into one of pensiveness. She lies down, and breathes in deeply.

“No, I don’t want to know her name. I don’t want to know how you met her either. I want to know this-can you imagine being tied down to her for the rest of your life? To have her as the mother of your unborn child? To travel and explore, but with her by your side always keeping you in place? To build a home where there will never be anything that is truly yours anymore? To wake up every morning and see another person next to you? To realise that whatever direction you take, you need to always consult her before? Are you sure that you found a person about whom you will never change your mind?” She rattles on, her eyes closed.

“Yes. She’s worth giving up the freedom to choose my own, independent path. Because any path I choose will always lead me back to her. Then it’s not really a loss of freedom, it’s a mutual sharing of our lives. I want to share the rest of my life with her.” He says, gently but confident.

“Interesting. I can never imagine sharing even a bookshelf with someone else, to have his or her books next to mine. They would be our books. I wouldn’t have read all of them, so if somebody asks me about them I’d have to depend on the other person entirely. A loss of self-sufficiency. That’s commitment and obligation.” She responds absently.

“Or that’s fidelity and an oath. She’s not my responsibility, she’s my vow; to be happy by keeping her happy to the fullest of my capacity. And that’s something I’m excited to do, now and till the end of my days.” He smiles, thinking about his to-be wife and their future together. It feels abnormal to think about another woman with love and devotion when Moira is right in front of him. His Moira. Yet her presence bubbles up a feeling, born so long ago and sure never to leave. He’s tried to make it leave.

Silence. He wonders if she’s thinking about the same thing he is. It would be a rarity, but in this moment it is more possible than ever. What a shame that they could never use what they feel for each other. As powerful as it is, time and circumstance never favoured the two of them.

“I’m very happy that my best friend found what I could never offer him.” She says, this time starring directly into his eyes.

A little taken aback at such a rare display of emotion, he takes a little time to fully understand what she meant. He looks into her eyes and gives into impulse. He pulls her close and hugs her tightly.

“You gave me everything I needed. I wouldn’t give any of that up. You are a part of the person I have become today. You gave me everything you could, I never expected more. And if I did, I was wrong. Thank you, for always coming back.” He whispers and he feels a decade of pent-up emotion cascading down upon him.

“I came back every time because you needed me to come back. Now, you don’t. I’m not going to come back anymore. I want to be free, finally. And I want you to be happy. You expected this, didn’t you? You knew that this would be the last time?” She muffles through the fabric of his shirt.

They both know the answer. He inhales deeply, breathing in the her scent for what he knows will be the last time. “I wanted to give you one last memory before you go off discovering forever.”

He feels a tiny drop of moisture. His or hers, he isn’t too sure. They stay in comfortable embrace for a long time, but not long enough.

“I’m leaving, for good.” She pauses and attempts to untangle herself from him, but she can’t seem to find the strength. She falls back into the warm crevices of his body. “I love you. I’m sorry,” She mumbles.

His voice saturated with emotion, he replies, “I’m staying, for good. I love you.”

Fate was never on their side.

Coffee and Cigarettes

“My mother will start to worry
– Beautiful, what’s your hurry?
Father will be pacing the floor
– Listen to the fireplace roar
So really I’d better scurry
– Beautiful, please don’t hurry
Maybe just a half a drink more
– Put some records on while I pour….”

The faint sound of Christmas carols fill the air with a cheerful buzz, accompanied by a whiff of cinnamon. She absent-mindedly looks for her coat and keys, and puts it on. She takes out her phone and sends a quick text.

“A few more minutes. Need coffee.”

She puts on the only pair of rain boots she can see, and grabs her umbrella as she tumbles out of her apartment. She should have worn her own rain boots, because his are too big for her.

It’s Christmas Eve and everyone is out doing a bit of last minute shopping. She wonders if she has anyone else to shop for. She bought only one gift. Should she have bought a gift for anybody else? How long has it been since she bought a gift for her parents? She cannot even remember the last time she talked to them for more than a few minutes. But she does remember the last time her father bought her a gift. It was a bar of chocolate that was as silky smooth as her hair when her mother would brush it on cold winter mornings. They were quite well off, and she could and would have anything she wanted. Yet, a simple gesture of love was the one gift she remembered the most fondly. The chocolate had tiny caramel chunks that tasted like buttery sin heaven. The day her father gave it to her, she almost cried. They had just fought. Again. The small offering of peace restored her faith in family. She broke off a sizeable piece and offered the rest to her parents. She felt happy and content. It was one of the last and only happy memories she had with her family.

Her house always had the lingering scent of coffee, especially when her father was home. As things started to turn sour, that omnipresent scent became oppressive. Screaming, fighting and shattered objects became a frequent occurrence. She sometimes wondered if her neighbours had gotten used to the war-torn family that lived next door.

When she was sixteen, she declared that they weren’t a family any more, merely three people living in the same house. When she turned eighteen, she packed her bags and left, vowing never to set foot in her family house again.

Her anger intensified over the years, but also drove her passion to succeed in her life. For one of the last things her father told her was that she would never be successful at anything, certainly if she took up art as her choice of profession. Today, she co-owns her own graphic design house.

She tried to emotionally and psychologically distance herself from her parents as well. Her biggest fear was that she would turn out exactly like her mother, or act like her father. She didn’t want to become the people she couldn’t stand. However, despite her best efforts, she retained her mother’s penchant for baking and her father’s love for coffee.

Oh, how she loved coffee. It would not only wake her up, it would also remind her to be alert, a quality she always associated with her father. Only when her father was in the house would the strong, almost suffocating emanation of coffee pervade through the air.

She trudges along in the muddy snow, steaming coffee in hand. Reaching her destination, she winds up the familiar set of staircases leading to his apartment. The door is ajar. He’s expecting her. It’s so warm inside that she takes off all her clothes, one by one, until she is wearing only the thin dress she layered under all the coats. Sipping her coffee, she sits down on his lap.

He is facing the window on a settee with a cigarette in hand. The fumes of the cigarette and the steam of the coffee mingle, finding the same way out of the apartment though a tiny opening in the window.

“Did your mum call today?” She asks.

Taking a puff, he says, “Yes she did.”

“Did you answer?”

“No but she left a recording. The usual. ‘Merry Christmas and today is the anniversary of your father’s passing. I hope you pray for him.’ She knows that I don’t pray. I don’t know why she insists I do it every year.”

Taking another sip of her coffee she mumbles, “She’s your mother. She cares about you.”

Another puff, and he replies, “I could say the same about your family.”

Irritated, she gets up and throws away the empty cup of coffee. In the kitchen she takes out bags of flour and sugar.

“You should really stop smoking. Your father died of lung cancer. I’m not asking you to care about your family, I’m asking you to care about yourself.”

He gets up and follows her to the kitchen.

“You love coffee, I love cigarettes. We both know why. Some parts of our family life will never fully escape us, will they?” He says as he leans on the counter while she makes a cake batter, her mother’s recipe.

“Yes. But I’m your family now. And I want you to stop smoking.” She demands.

“Yeah, I’ll stop. I’ve been meaning to, anyway. Dad is gone. It’s not the same any more.” He says as he rolls his hands around her waist.

“If only your mother knew how you honoured your father.”

Turning her around to face him, he whispers, “Maybe bad relationships lead to bad habits. Mine is to honour the man I tried to get away from all my life by adopting the same habit as him. Yours is to make the same Christmas cake your mother used to make each year, all the while speaking not more than three words a year to either of your parents.”

She smoothens out the crinkle in his shirt and replies as gently as she can, “Yes, but my habit will not kill me. I want to spend my life with you, trying to forgive and forget our pasts. I do not want you to be my past.”

“I know. I decided before you came in that this is my last one. It’s been 5 years since the old man flew away. I don’t want to join him any time soon. This is the last. I promise.” he utters as he throws the cigarette into the trash. The empty cigarette butt falls into the empty coffee cup.

He breathes in. And out.

“Thank you.” She says before their lips meet and the taste of coffee and cigarettes dissolve into each other.

Littles

I took your tiny hand
So fragile, soon to expand.
And wondered who would ask for it later?

When the sparkle in your eyes
Would light up the skies
Of other man,
Another caretaker.


“It’s over.”

“Why?

“I’m in love with someone else. Me.”


Why do people say they have to ‘find’ themselves?

You aren’t lost. You’re just dormant.


Do what you want to do.
By doing what you need to do.


“Stop pulling my cheeks, bhaiya!”

“Why? You always wanted to be a model. Now you’re my modelling clay.”


“Why did you have to leave the little girl behind in Kingston town?”

“She’s not my little girl.”


He looks into the puddle. He throws the ring into it. He watches the ring dissolve into the murky water.

All trace of her will evaporate.


‘How did you know she was the one?’

Rubbing his ring between his fingers he says, ‘When I stopped thinking of what my life would be like without her.’


I’m a Queen.
Of a different world.
All those around me can’t understand
The shine of my gold.


I wish you had never written me anything. I wish you could have said everything, so it would have been lost in the wind.
Then I wouldn’t have to make a choice.
To delete everything.


“I wonder if you would reply if I was someone else.”


He has never felt a real love towards a person, just a person behind a screen.


“Here.” She hands him a necklace with a pendant shaped like the infinity symbol.

“Why?” The sadness in his eyes is permanent.

“It doesn’t mean that I will love you infinitely, I cannot promise you that, but I can promise that in this moment, my love for you is infinite. And nothing, not even time can take this moment away from you. This necklace is to remind you of what we have, even if it becomes what we had.”

She touches his face. He moves away.

Then she picks up her bags and walks out of his life for the last time.

Oblivion

I’ve lost my anchor.

And I’m free to float. Yet I’m not happy. But I’m not depressed either. I’m stuck in a limbo somewhere in between. I feel what can best be described as nothingness, but with the occasional but powerful bout of nausea. Like I’m drowning.

I’m drowning in this world that I can no longer make sense of. I’m drowning till the edge of recognition. I’m drowning, yet I’m making no effort to surface.

It begins with shafts of sunlight seeping through the water so I can see the intensity but I can’t feel it. This disjoined sensory intake confuses me. I can see my life that I left behind, yet I can’t feel it. The memories are there, but the emotion is lost. But what good are glimpses of a past life without despair or desire to put it into perspective?

As the wings of the water envelope me, the sunlight fades into a gentle glow. And my memories become blurry. I chide myself for not appreciating the memories I that could see. The feelings may not be there, but there was a safety in seeing familiar faces. As the glow dims, I feel agitated. I can’t remember the faces in the memories. I’d forgotten the names long ago. And as I sink, I forget why I was agitated. So I let the water engulf me to fill the empty places in my soul.

The water tangles my hair into knots, but vanity was the first thing to leave me. I wonder if my sanity will soon follow. I wonder if my humanity will too.

The steady current syncs with my heart beat while the stream of water dissolves the layers of myself that I’ve built up over the years. One by one, every element of my life is stripped away until I’m naked and my soul is bare.

Now I am pure. I am unadulterated. I have no memories, no emotions, no preconceived ideas and no bias. I cannot remember anything that was externally put into my head. I have no ideas of beauty, happiness, success, god, life or death. I am my unsullied self and only myself, not a product of society.

I still have my consciousness and my body. The darkness around me grows thicker and the last remaining hints of light on the surface look like stars on a cloudy night.

But I can feel my body slipping away too. My limbs aren’t responding to my consciousness. The cold is slowly replaced by a numbness and the suffocation comes so transiently that I almost don’t notice. My eyelids start to close like flowers when the sun goes down. I’m almost at the bottom. I’m almost done.

Then I suddenly I remember everything. It all comes back to me faster than lightning. My family, my friends, my aspirations, my dreams. My life flashes before my heavy eyes and I suddenly get the strength to lift my limbs. I trash and turn and move and slither, screaming till my lungs feel like they will burst. I cannot let this go. I was so stupid to think that this was the best option. The sorrow and hurt I will leave in my wake is not worth my selfish insecurities. The sound of silence is not worth it if it is permanent.

I will not go down with this ship.

Then I hit the bottom and I’m lost in the oblivion.