This is the kind of regret that hits you when you find a hand-written card from them, one you forgot to throw away, and you sit down and read it because why not? After all this time, you’re over it. There should be no reason to feel anything. But you do. You feel this kind of regret.
This is the kind of regret that isn’t the first on your list of regrets when you get interviewed for a magazine. When they ask you, ‘What is your biggest regret?’, you won’t say it was me, that it was this kind of regret. You’ll say that maybe it was not pushing yourself hard enough, or that regrets are not something you think about, or maybe you’ll think about not keeping in touch with your childhood friends. But no, you won’t think about this kind of regret.
This is the kind of regret you’ll find yourself drifting to at the most random of times. Its’s not the regret you’ll feel after three bottles of whiskey. It’s not the regret you’ll feel looking at the stars. It’s the kind of regret that hits you at 3am before an exam when you’re desperately trying to finish portions.
This is the kind of regret that years of shattered memories have made easier and milder to digest. It’s the kind of regret you’ll feel only when you find something tangible from our time together, a truth that will forever remain a truth. They say that every time you call upon a memory, your mind edits it a little bit. And I know you’ve edited your memories to make them seem hellish. It’s an easy justification for why we spontaneously combusted.
This is the kind of regret you’ll feel when you can look back in hindsight and know that had you said just one little thing instead of giving out childish, ambiguous hints, we would have prevented our maelstrom. That one tiny apology in the beginning that would have prevented it from becoming a matter of a loss of pride to say sorry in the end.
This is the kind of regret you’ll subdue till you think it no longer matters, till it’s so deeply buried inside you hardly think about. But this is the kind of regret that will hurts the most when it does hit you.
This kind of regret isn’t the glamourised regret that was a ‘life changing experience’ and taught you ‘the most important life lesson’ or ‘made you who you are today’. This isn’t the big city, flashy lights type of regret.
This is the quiet, small town regret.