I’ve lost my anchor.
And I’m free to float. Yet I’m not happy. But I’m not depressed either. I’m stuck in a limbo somewhere in between. I feel what can best be described as nothingness, but with the occasional but powerful bout of nausea. Like I’m drowning.
I’m drowning in this world that I can no longer make sense of. I’m drowning till the edge of recognition. I’m drowning, yet I’m making no effort to surface.
It begins with shafts of sunlight seeping through the water so I can see the intensity but I can’t feel it. This disjoined sensory intake confuses me. I can see my life that I left behind, yet I can’t feel it. The memories are there, but the emotion is lost. But what good are glimpses of a past life without despair or desire to put it into perspective?
As the wings of the water envelope me, the sunlight fades into a gentle glow. And my memories become blurry. I chide myself for not appreciating the memories I that could see. The feelings may not be there, but there was a safety in seeing familiar faces. As the glow dims, I feel agitated. I can’t remember the faces in the memories. I’d forgotten the names long ago. And as I sink, I forget why I was agitated. So I let the water engulf me to fill the empty places in my soul.
The water tangles my hair into knots, but vanity was the first thing to leave me. I wonder if my sanity will soon follow. I wonder if my humanity will too.
The steady current syncs with my heart beat while the stream of water dissolves the layers of myself that I’ve built up over the years. One by one, every element of my life is stripped away until I’m naked and my soul is bare.
Now I am pure. I am unadulterated. I have no memories, no emotions, no preconceived ideas and no bias. I cannot remember anything that was externally put into my head. I have no ideas of beauty, happiness, success, god, life or death. I am my unsullied self and only myself, not a product of society.
I still have my consciousness and my body. The darkness around me grows thicker and the last remaining hints of light on the surface look like stars on a cloudy night.
But I can feel my body slipping away too. My limbs aren’t responding to my consciousness. The cold is slowly replaced by a numbness and the suffocation comes so transiently that I almost don’t notice. My eyelids start to close like flowers when the sun goes down. I’m almost at the bottom. I’m almost done.
Then I suddenly I remember everything. It all comes back to me faster than lightning. My family, my friends, my aspirations, my dreams. My life flashes before my heavy eyes and I suddenly get the strength to lift my limbs. I trash and turn and move and slither, screaming till my lungs feel like they will burst. I cannot let this go. I was so stupid to think that this was the best option. The sorrow and hurt I will leave in my wake is not worth my selfish insecurities. The sound of silence is not worth it if it is permanent.
I will not go down with this ship.
Then I hit the bottom and I’m lost in the oblivion.